Every move I made, it was already there. Every thought I thinked, it had already thunk it

If you were given to conspiracy theories, the Mercedes E-class would be your nemesis. Every move I made, every corner, every rev, it was already there. Every thought I thinked, it had already thunk it. Opening the boot in a shower, watching water drip round the perfectly designed rubber piping, so that nothing touched me or my luggage, I felt gripped by a sudden mourning. Such a lot of thought has gone into this – more than thought, empathy. If only that kind of intelligence could have gone somewhere useful, like the refugee crisis. But look, we are where we are. This boot is awesome and my plentiful luggage is as dry as toast.

I’ve never sat in a car thinking, “If only this was a nine-speed automatic”, but the truth is, this was subtle and elegant at every speed, shifting deftly, making driving feel like flying. You could feel its grip on the road, and it spread confidence, via your butt, throughout the car.

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